an email I got today from my colleague, Robin

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:17-18 (New International Version)

Though my reading students do not comprehend one word that they read, though my math students cannot add 2 + 2 and get 4, though state tests are only two weeks away, though there is no money in the budget and no parent support, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. :)

lights, please.

i am sick on winter darkness.

my brain is in a dense fog.

i thought today AND yesterday, "it might as well not even be called daytime. it is as good as a 48 hour darkness."

after visiting darby at the end of december, i was inspired to pull out all the stops on s.a.d. current regimen: fruits and veggies, exercise, and morning happy light. (yeah, darb, i got one.) is it helping? maaaaaybe.

but now the darkness has worn me down and i've reached one of those low points. and it seems the only thing that will cure it is a tim tam slam.

Spring in February

a collaborative

this is something.

a connection

I've been feeling acute pangs of grief again lately. But I haven't been able to properly acknowledge them. I push them off because I'm too busy to be sad for a moment. I've been wanting to remember the sound of my dad's voice, but I've been slightly disturbed that I couldn't quite remember. So this morning, I had a dream right before I woke up that I was hearing my dad's voice on a tape recording (ironically distant). And I was crying in my dream because I missed that voice. And I woke up crying, fully engulfed. Then somewhere between dream and wake, I was remembering how it was to feel my dad holding my hand; very comforting. But I ache. I think I needed it though.

Funny what your emotional mind will do.

Edu

My district has been talking openly about the budget cuts at the state level for over a year now. It has been a frightful climate to work in. This morning, we arrived at work bright and early to an email from our superintendent listing the exact items to be axed. big gulp. It included some of my colleagues' jobs. What does one do when they see their colleague lose their job? What does one do when one is not so secure in her own job? It was a tense day. As my superintendent said in a conversation with a legislator when asked if there was any more "fat" to trim from schools in this state, "There is no more fat. We are down to muscle, bones, and even marrow."

My current stresses:

1. job insecurity

2. pressure to produce students who produce a certain level of test scores

3. conferences next week

4. parents (who are loose cannons)

Bright spots:

1. My students are learning by leaps and bounds! They are writing well. They are reading and comprehending texts well. They are quick to learn algebra, data, geometry, and number and computation skills. They love science and social studies. I am so proud of them.

2. My students are growing in character. I have seen students conquer things they were anxious about mastering earlier this year. I am seeing one of my students be more honest. I am seeing them try. I am seeing a spark in them. Did I mention how proud I am?

So now we see that Race to the Top is coming down the pike.

The people in this interview don't seem to know what proficient means in our schools now... well any educator could give them the cut scores for the definition of proficient in 2010. Of course, as legislation stands now, it is a moving target until 2014, when 100% of students in this country will be proficient in mathematics and reading, according to their test scores (cough, phlegm).

President Obama wants to link a teacher's salary to the test scores she produces in her students. Here's a fringe thought. How 'bout Obama's salary links to the statistical success he produces? How 'bout that?

Tell Me a New Story

Lately.

Things are going well with my student teacher. I am still trying to figure out how to hand things over to her. I have to remember it is supposed to be gradual. One thing I notice... she does not sense the constraints of time that we are under in her teaching. I am trying to find ways to guide her while still reminding her of all the requirements we have to fulfill. I am trying to give her time to practice but it's so hard while I'm making the last push this month before state testing in March.

Another thought.

There is something in humanity that wants to participate in something corporate... celebration, patriotism, mourning. I notice these things when I watch such displays as the Grammys.

And because it's what I do all day.

Since I have not shared one of my professional tirades lately, indulge me now--

Tonight, my co-worker called me at 9:30 PM and told me that a parent was upset with her about a judgment call she made in class today. We talked it through. We came up with a plan on how to handle the parent and student. She told me that situations like that make her want to quit. It sounded awfully familiar to me. It's exactly what I was saying last Friday and all weekend (and every time) after a parent situation I had to tend to. And I'm not a quitter.

I'm just glad we have each other to talk through these things. We always ask each other if we are doing the right thing. We try to decipher if what we did is defensible so that our principal doesn't get upset with us. Children go home and cry and all their parents hear is their child crying. So then the parent gets upset at us.

Let me just say that children may cry and complain, but it is up to the parent to let their child ride it out. Instead, the parent wants to fix it (ok, I get it). And the first place they think they need to fix it is by blaming it on the teacher. They go and complain to the principal without coming to us first. They treat us, not as someone who is on their team, ready to help (it is, after all, why nearly every single one of us went into the profession), but as the enemy. A non-human authoritarian entity. Kind of like how I think of the federal government.

The reality of the situation is... we are constantly making decisions for fragile egos and we are always trying to balance everyone's desire for a sense of justice. We are out there on our own. This is why we call each other for moral support at 9:30 when we should be asleep in bed. Because no one else is there with us. The only other person who understands the complexities, the demands, the constant call to be a moral and judicial example is another teacher. It is lonely. It is demanding on all fronts... with the principal, with the parents, with the students (...only one of which is actually spending all day with you... and that one is not the adult, therefore, does not always reasonably convey a balanced perspective to those who are listening... not that the child's perspective is wrong,.... but there is a significant difference in perspective between a reasonable adult versus a child).