Ticket

We're physical.

2011-11-25T17:20:00.001-06:00

I went to Barnes and Noble a couple of weeks ago to read and process through a book I'm reading. Nearly no seat to be had in the entire store. I finally scored a sunken armchair in the cafe and nestled myself in tight quarters next to a girl right next to me at a cafe table on her laptop. One and a half feet across from me was a guy with whom I shared a side table for our respective lattes. As I sat there in elevator-close elbow room, I surveyed the store from my vantage point. Any Barnes and Noble customer knows the Nook display has slowly been encroaching on the printed page displays. It started somewhere near the front a couple of years ago, small at first. Then it expanded to a whole support desk and display area on the side. Now they are building a whole new center support desk area, making it the nucleus of the entire store. I am not one to complain or get in the way of technological progress. But I hafta say, there was a wave of sadness that spread itself over my heart that day. Sadness because I realized that all those hours that I spent in college in coffee shops and book stores like this one were changing because a laptop and an ipod are no longer all we need. Now we need an e-book, too. And it's just not the same.

I looked up as I was thinking these thoughts and was surprised to see everyone in such physical form. I mean, aren't we all just digital beings now? Yeah. And since we exist in such a form, shouldn't we just be buying digital clothes and food?

Why does Black Friday even exist if we are all digital?

dealing

2011-11-05T14:21:00.000-05:00

The hardest part of sorrow is not just the grief itself,

but what it does to those you love.

What's going on here?

2011-09-26T18:36:00.001-05:00

I've been deep in work the past six weeks. I am always a bit taken aback at the realization during every start to the new school year at the fact that it truly takes an entire quarter to get into the groove. It is not just about finding my mojo. It's about all the layers that are added to a classroom. Services, meeting with parents, getting students used to their classroom schedule as well as their pull-out schedules, communicating with parents and students. You should see my pull-out and inclusion schedules. Just those alone make you wonder when I ever get any whole group instruction into the day.

Add to all that the fact that HR decided a couple of weeks into the school year to allow J and I to hire another team member because our class sizes were so high (same size as last year, though!). It was odd timing. The very next week, we were staying late to sit through interviews and make a selection. We found a great teacher to add to our team. But we had several weeks of challenges afterwards with splitting up the classes again, communicating with parents and students, and getting the new teacher trained and folded in to our mix. The good outcome out of all this up-front work is... I now have twenty students instead of thirty!! Hallelujah!

And let me tell ya: there is a h-u-g-e difference in how the classroom is run when you have twenty instead of thirty.

Number one: there are that many less potent student relationships, so less problems to untangle. Number two: I don't feel like I am drowning just trying to talk and teach.
Number three: There is simply more time for learning. I have less paperwork, less to keep track of, fewer social problems, less health notes to write, less agendas to keep track of, fewer student meetings, fewer parent-student-teacher conferences, and FEWER PAPERS TO GRADE!

All of this makes possible a more singular focus on each student, which is what the phrase "lower class size" is all about. Students are the primary beneficiaries because their teachers are freed up to focus on what really matters instead of logistics and secretarial work: them. Don't get me wrong; there is always still plenty of that (logistics and secretarial work). And a ratio of twenty to one is still pretty high. But I'm convinced there must be some threshold we broke somewhere in the range between twenty and thirty.

But above even all of this, I must say what a great group of students and parents I have this year. They are just exuberant. Excited to learn. And their parents are respectful. And let me tell ya, this is just the group of parents and students I needed to restore my faith in humanity.

In addition, I'm grateful for a new boss. He is a good listener and supporter.

So all these things work together to make life a little more bearable for me these past six weeks. I am grateful to God for these blessings.

9/11/01

2011-09-11T16:30:00.000-05:00

Ten years ago today, I was living with the Motts during my fifth year of college. I slept in, and woke up around 7:50 to Thad leaving Teresa a message on the answering machine to turn on the tv. I turned on the tv, saw the footage of the camera newly trained on the first tower and chased upstairs to call Teresa to see. From then on, we watched the whole thing in real time... the second hit, the first collapse, the second collapse. Do you remember how some of the first reports were claiming that there were explosions in the towers instead of plane crashes? Do you remember that every skyscraper and large public building across the country was cleared? And that the FAA cleared the airspace the country over? The sky seemed eerily quiet. That afternoon, taking a break from the news coverage, Teresa and I sat in the living room with the windows open. We heard a plane fly overhead; it was Air Force One landing at Offutt AFB, home of StratCom at the time. I got my yearbook picture taken on campus that day, went to Delice to pick up my paycheck, and did a couple other errands, all the time having conversations with people about the sheer terror we felt.

All those people who were trapped. All those people who were burned up. Those who came out of the windows. Those who were on the aircrafts. Those who were crushed. The premeditation that became evident was shocking. We became one identity: American. In that day, we felt supremely betrayed. Our country turned inward on itself in the days that followed.

A lot of things changed for me after that day; my ideals, my views. It was our generation's coming-of-age moment. It was our country's wake up call.

Where were you?

sweat on their brow and achievement in their hearts

2011-08-15T10:34:00.002-05:00

This is a partial view of my classroom a month ago. Thank goodness it's more organized today. I am going in to communicate with parents this afternoon and tonight. I've been thinking of what I will say at this meeting for about five months now. Yeah. This is the meeting where I set the precedent. I put myself out there on the line, hoping I will get a good response in return all year long. I am prepared for some good families this year. I am prepared for my students. I'm am asking God to give me an extraordinary measure of love today.

The Dog Days Are Almost Over

2011-08-09T19:19:00.000-05:00

Only one more day of summer with Leo.

So sad to leave him! He's my buddy.

on marking another year that has passed me by

2011-08-07T21:51:00.000-05:00

you know how birthdays are. you somehow think that it is your own personal holiday... that something magical, or at the very least, warm and lovely, should happen to you on that day. it starts when you are young because you get attention on your birthday. it only carries over into adulthood. and why not? shouldn't we all celebrate life at least once a year? it is a gift.

but increasingly the past couple of years, i think of my mom on my birthday. if my dad were here, i suppose i might think of him too. but since my mom has something significant to do with my being here, i think mainly of her. how it must have been for her in 1979. i changed her life, but not of my will. i made her a mother. being a mother has always been something my mom has done well. she has a few passions- teaching being a huge one. she gets excited about it; it energizes her. she pours herself into it.

but if there is something she has done even better, it would definitely be motherhood. she has walked through each stage of being a mom with grace and love, even as her children have become adults. i am so grateful to have her as a mother. she is beautiful in so many ways.

so on this, my 32nd birthday, i credit it to her.
love to my mother.

An S.O.S. to the World

2011-08-05T15:26:00.002-05:00

Do you ever feel unmotivated? Like the thought of just doing what needs to be done depletes you? That's how I feel right now.

Is it burnout?
That seems a silly proposition considering I've been on summer break for the past eight weeks. But I don't think it is wholly burnout on my job, although I have been at work a good part of the summer. I think it's likely I have burnout on life. Life in general.

I just feel exhausted by everything that has been going on the past few years. I need a fresh perspective from God.

And maybe I need more iron. Or protein.

Spot On

2011-08-03T13:07:00.002-05:00

"I don't know where I would be today if my teachers' job security was based on how I performed on some standardized test. If their very survival as teachers was based not on whether I fell in love with the process of learning but rather if I could fill in the right bubble on a test, if they had to spend most of their time desperately drilling us and less time encouraging creativity and original ideas, less time knowing who we were, seeing our strengths and helping us realize our talents, I honestly don't know where I'd be today if that was the type of education I had."

Mr. Damon mentioned that he could not imagine how demoralized teachers must feel. He is right to acknowledge it. American legislators and citizens need to understand that teachers are playing a part in raising our country's future. If our country has even a fighting chance, humanly speaking, at having a successful future... at continuing to maintain our status as a world contender in being influential in trade, finance, innovation, defense, or culture, we must understand that what has happened in legislation in the past decade is not sustainable, nor r-e-a-s-o-n-a-b-l-e. Our teachers must be freed up to look into a child's eyes and see potential, to encourage thinking, and to establish problem-solving and decision-making skills as roots in the child's life.

I am entering the ring for my tenth year of teaching in seven days. I have spent the past nine weeks recovering at home and preparing at work. Those of you who know me know that if I am nothing else, I am tenacious. Tenacious. Over the past nine years, I have wanted to quit so many times. Many of those times were on account of some vicious parents, but many of those times were also because of the environment that has been created in schools. Do you remember that news story this summer about the Atlanta teachers and even the superintendent of the district who were fired for tampering with test scores? What they did was immoral, and it is right that they were fired, but doesn't that tell you something about the desperate environment legislators have created for teachers? All from "corporate reformer(s) who ha(ve) literally never taught anyone anything."

I hear politicians and reporters who talk. It seems unlikely that they have set foot into a school and listened to someone who is in the trenches of that school for quite awhile. Their ideas seem so off-base and corporate, and you just want to calmly explain, "That's not how a school works, stupid!" But, my friends, Matt Damon is not one of those people. His finger is on the pulse of where educators across this entire country are at.

Veteran teachers say there is a trend pendulum that plays itself out over the years. Time for the pendulum to head toward the middle again. I'm ready.

He Gets It!

2011-08-03T07:22:00.000-05:00

Just a couple of sentences, but he made his point. Chalk another one up. Someone else GETS IT!

Questions I Ask My Pup

2011-07-29T20:01:00.003-05:00

Me: Do dogs laugh?
Leo: (relaxed jaw, smiling at me) Of course!

Me: Do you ever get hiccups?
Leo: Huh?

Me: What do you do when I am gone?
Leo: That's my secret. But when I drag out my bedding from my crate and chew up the rug, you know that I have had enough alone time.

Leo: (looking out the window) rph! rph! hmmmrrrrrr. raph! raph! rph!
Me: What do you see out there, Leo?
Leo: A squirrel. And I'm making sure the cat across the street knows not to walk up the driveway.

Me: What do you think of Michelle Bachmann?
Leo: She needs to get off her high horse and vote yes for a reasonable compromise. If only congress would stop being a bunch of gridlocked jerks and do something already. I think it's time to stop thinking of personal ideals and start making a decision based on our present reality.
Me: yeah, yeah... But what I mean is do you think she should be president?
Leo: raph! rph!?

The Price Her Family Pays

2011-07-25T22:02:00.004-05:00

When I heard of Amy Winehouse's death, I did what maybe thousands of people did... I went to Youtube to watch her last performance in June in Belgrade before she cancelled the rest of her European tour. This was just one more performance that she had botched up in a string of drunken-high performance attempts in the last several years. And it wasn't just the performances. Amy was known to assault people and was arrested a few times for it, but never convicted of anything leading to a prison sentence, community service or a significant fine. She did have a few stints in rehabilitation clinics. But it was obviously not enough. She spiraled despite, I am sure, care and concern and perhaps even interventions from family and friends. Even though the autopsy results have not hit the news yet, I assume that she was a victim of her own demise.

When I see someone do this big flailing out-of-control spiral, especially when it is as public as Amy's, I want to search for the answer... figure out what could help her. Often, we think of how all the people around her -- her parents, her brother, her bodyguards, her band -- should be stepping in and stopping her from doing this to herself. But, where there may be people who could bear a great influence on her, the strongest voice she was listening to was her own. She was trapped inside a prison not even she could unlock by herself. Unfortunately she never found anything greater than herself to bail her out of the deep well she had dug, filled, and jumped into over and over and over again.

Her life is tragic to look at. But all I can think of is her family. I don't know a whole lot about her immediate family, but I know they have gone on a wild, terrible, dreadful ride because of her. They saw this coming for a long time, but could not do enough for her. Her struggles were probably so great that it eclipsed their own lives, and I imagine they lived in dread of this very moment for a long time. And while they are grieving and mourning the loss of Amy, I think they must have some sense of relief as well... even if they don't admit it to the media. They might feel anger and resentment toward her for the way her life overshadowed their own, and the time they had to spend worrying about her life as the drumbeat increasingly ratcheted up higher and faster. Their lives can now be their own again. At least soon. Granted, they will always observe the loss left by Amy, but they are finally freed to move forward.

So how do we keep from getting sucked into the vortex of someone who is self-destructive? Let me start by saying this: I have no idea. Pray, pray, pray. (The importance of constant prayer cannot be overstated.) Be vigilant about clear boundaries; at least as clear as possible... even though it is really impossible. Make sure we have one or two friends who will listen to the mania we are going through.

like a sound you hear that lingers in your ear

2011-07-20T13:29:00.001-05:00

California soul sounds good. Look at their weather. After the better part of seven weeks of 100+ degree weather, I needed a good motown remix. (click on the link next to the heart- play on hype machine)

The Sweetest Fig

2011-07-13T07:43:00.001-05:00

Have you ever read that book by Chris Van Allsburg? If not, you should read it up.

It's about a French dentist who is a curmudgeon, following the same routine day after day. His dog is bored with this life. One day a lady comes to his dental office and she cannot pay him with money; instead she gives the dentist two figs with the promise that when he eats them, his dreams will come true. The dentist takes this seriously and puts himself through mental exercises about living it up on the Riviera every night before he goes to bed. At the very end, there is a surprise twist in which his dog eats the last fig before bed. The next morning, the man is under the bed in his dog's body and the dog is in the bed in the dentist's body. (You need to read it. The story is much better told by Van Allsburg. :) )

Leo, 3 pounds 8 ounces, 21 weeks

Not unlike the story, sometimes my mind tricks me into thinking that I'm going to turn around and see Leo as big as a Labrador.

Daddy-O's Latest Scolding

2011-07-12T17:10:00.005-05:00

Pull off the band-aid. Eat our peas.

On Repetition and Feedback

2011-07-11T15:31:00.000-05:00

Seems like I've talked about this before on this forum. But this is a different bent.

I need feedback. When I try to talk to someone and they don't agree or disagree with what I'm saying, or if they don't return my call or text, or if they don't say anything to my email, I find myself at a loss. If all I see or hear is a blank, it is disconcerting. I want to know if they heard me.

Then I repeat myself.

Seeking validation or even just a response.

Once or twice with no response, okay fine. But more than that, and my feelings might get hurt.

I think it's a universal human trait to want to be 1) heard and 2) interacted with.

It's been five years.

2011-07-09T22:38:00.001-05:00

Since I lost my dad.

That morning seems a long time ago. Like another life. Yet I remember the details so vividly.

How do you deal with loss in your life? Everyone goes through it sooner or later.

For me, I processed by verbally remembering things. I talked to anyone who would listen. But I mostly talked to my family. That first year, I was very protective of my process. And I was vigilant over the members of my family.

I feel good now. I mean, I still shed some tears. It still catches me off guard. I will cry at the most unexpected moments. But there are far fewer of them than there were that first couple of years. That does not mean I miss him less; it just means I am not in overdrive with processing the loss. I see everything through a telescope now instead of through a microscope.

And I see life a lot more fluidly now. Life-- the good, and the difficult always intermingle.

Good night.

Today

2011-07-06T18:34:00.005-05:00

I toured the Pregnancy Crisis Center. I was so impressed with what they are doing there. If I were in a scary situation, I would find comfort in the education offered and the hearts of the people who work and volunteer there.

I played with Leo. And made a special trip to WalMarts just to get him his dental chewies. He is such a great buddy.

I went to work and almost immediately was overwhelmed with all the work I still have to do before I start the year. J and I still need to sort through and clear out the room of our former co-worker. We did not have time all last year, and since we took the cut so late in the summer, it was enough of a scramble just to regroup and survive the demands of the year. So I need to get on that. It is so difficult to sort through and throw away other people's things.

I mopped and swept half of my house. Yesterday I power-washed the siding on my house, the porches, and windows. It feels so good to have something squeaky clean. The process is not always great, but the result is.

I am reading and processing Renovation of the Heart. So far, it requires a lot of thought. And processing. Yeah. It is good.

A thought today: I think less is more. I know that's nothing new. But it bears repeating. Stephen Covey says, "Keep the main things the main things." I think we get wrapped up in a lot of fal-de-ral and it really is beneficial to ourselves and the people we serve to keep our goals simple. That is not to say that the process is always simple.

Another thought today: I think it is a little dangerous to know what to do and not follow through and do it. I think this is a particular danger to leaders of all kinds, including parents. One of my pastors once made the point that for a child, it is almost better to grow up in a home where the parents don't teach or do the right thing than to grow up in a home where the parents teach the right thing and then do something wholly different. I can see why-- it leads to a divorce internally. There needs to be a marriage between knowing the right thing to do and doing it. How difficult though!!

Speaking of Stephen Covey, last week at the ISTE Conference, the man was one of the keynote speakers. Everyone showed up for his keynote speech... all the introductory acts performed and spoke... and we were all ready to see Mr. Covey, of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People fame. We all applauded in anticipation when he was introduced, then his bald head showed up on three screens across the room. But the kicker was the round screen in the middle was ensconced by green-lit pillars and purple accent lighting. Who appeared before our eyes?

THE WIZARD OF OZ!

Yeah, it was uncanny.

Seriously, there were several groans across the audience when he showed up only via satellite. We all thought that this large and notable of a conference deserved to have a keynote speaker who would show up in person.

Funny, really.

104 or More

2011-07-02T18:45:00.001-05:00

What a streak of heat we're having. It is uninhabitable. We need Slip-n-Slides and portable sprinkler fans wherever we go. I am grateful for the sunshine and the cumulus clouds, though. Ah, summer.

This morning, I got up and saw the floor, how it needs sweeping (*name that Beatles song*) and didn't do it. I will do it tonight. And then I will mop it. I tell ya, I track in more with a puppy in and out multiple times a day.

I went with Polly, Matthew and baby J to Newton, Kansas to shop on Main Street and go to the Kauffman Museum. Polly and I share a Mennonite heritage, which we probably appreciate more now that we are grown and away from our church community of origin. That is what the Kauffman Museum is about: Mennonite history and immigration to this area and around the world. It is truly a unique history. One thing that was notable to us as we looked at a list of Anabaptist standards was "...living a simple life." Yes, that is a big part of what we grew up with. It is a little laughable in one sense when we see this en vogue movement by urbanites toward sustainable gardening and tending to the earth, frugality in use of resources (repurposing and recycling), and a respect for and enjoyment of all of creation because that is what Mennonites have been doing all along. It is their lifestyle. It is simple, frugal, and not flashy in the least.

I think that "... living a simple life" can also be interpreted in how we handle our relationships and dealings with others. It means being forthright and living peaceably. Mennonites are pacifists. Live and let live. Their movement was born out of great persecution in Europe mainly because of their beliefs about baptism upon confession of faith in God and his son, Jesus Christ. They were (and are) radical.

We went to Ten Thousand Villages and other Main Street shops. Have I ever mentioned how I love Ten Thousand Villages? Absolutely love it. There are other great little shops there, too. I bought Leo a pillow pet on a clearance table at an eclectic kitchen store and he has already chewed off the nose and both eyes.

I love small, revitalized towns. And I love that town even more because of the history it holds for my family and home community.

The heat. It remains.

Poverty

2011-06-17T10:35:00.005-05:00

These past three months, I keep writing, deleting, and re-writing this post. My thoughts are not fully synthesized yet, but here is my attempt to wrangle a few loose points.

You teach what you need to learn.
I believe that's true.

So here are a few thoughts.

Poverty manifests itself in different ways. Poverty can be situational or generational (Ruby Payne, A Framework for Understanding Poverty). And it can show itself in the mind, the spirit, the body. It can look proud, it can look downtrodden. It can look forward with hope to the future, but have a complete inability to take the steps necessary to bring that future forward. Poverty can take on the voice of victimization, insisting on the belief that it is the responsibility of others to lift it up and take care of it.

The kind of poverty I am talking about here is spiritual poverty. It's a poverty I'm familiar with and have to actively fight against. (Of course, that is the very definition of poverty. Proverbs 6:10-11: "A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest- and poverty will overtake you like a thief and scarcity like an armed man.") In many ways, it has to do with one's time horizons. Anytime someone has a short time horizon, it lends to a state of poverty. I believe that holds true for all kinds of poverty, including the spiritual kind.

The antithesis of poverty is long-term thinking. It is vision casting. It is the deep belief that what I do or don't do today will affect me tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, twenty years from now. It is beginning with the end in mind, as Stephen Covey would say. It is challenging, at best, to extend one's time horizon. A characteristic of poverty is the inability to live beyond the present.

I have been grieving for the poverty of spirit in some around me, including in myself. This poverty is a vacuous sense of self-reliance. A reliance on man's reason as the ultimate end-all, instead of a reliance on God's personhood and sovereignty. (My pastor, Terry Williams, has been speaking to this lately.)

The inability to establish lengthened time horizons will keep us all in situational and possibly even generational poverty. In a poverty of the spirit.

Lord, save us from ourselves.

Would've, Could've, Shouldn't

2011-06-16T09:01:00.002-05:00

Ten years ago today, I would have married my friend... if it wouldn't have been for some serious misgivings and a complete break-up of that relationship several months before. As I look back, I know it was the right thing. And in the moment, I knew it was the right thing, though it hurt.

Psh. It hurt. That is an understatement. If you walked with me through that time, (and some of you did), you know how deep the pain, how hope-shattering, how faith-changing and vision-altering that moment (and the following semester of moments) was. Suddenly, I realized just what my hope was built upon. And though it seemed like the right time and the right person, but in the end it was the wrong time and the wrong person. It was so confusing, because it was a friendship, and how could it be right to dissolve that? All because I couldn't imagine being married to this person? As obvious as the answer might have been intellectually, there was a big part of me that was confused. So I hesitated and went forward for quite awhile longer than I needed to.

But that's just the thing. I did need to. I needed to come to the end of myself and then find out how God could weave His own story into something that seemed unredeemable.

The truth is, people don't know what to do with a single woman. Some of your friends will look at you and try to set you up, talk to you about joining a dating website, or just not believe that you are complete until you are happily hitched. And you will be tempted to believe them because there will be some part of that painting that will speak to the uneasiness that is lurking somewhere inside. And not that those friends are in the wrong at all. They genuinely love you and of course they want the best for you. It is just impossible to explain to someone who is happily married that you are happy too. Because it looks a whole lot like living without.

So if you are thinking of getting married, but you have some misgivings, read this article. It is a reminder that it is more tragic to marry the wrong person than it is to remain unmarried.

Don't ever buy the lie that you can only be happy if you are married. If it is not what God has for you, it can be the most miserable station to dock at.

Of course, I remain open to any and all pathways God has for me, and if that includes a marriage partnership, I will joyously accept that call. But the truth is life is so much more fulfilling than I ever thought it could be. And it's because I am with Jesus and am confident in His plan.

Leo the lion-hearted

2011-06-13T19:55:00.003-05:00

I'm enjoying summer. I've had a couple of lazy days. Just what the doctor ordered.

He is my little friend now. Unconditional love from a puppy. Again, just what the doctor ordered.

Reading, praying, going for walks, seeing friends and family, working on my presentation two weeks from now, planning my small group events... that's been my summer so far.

Recovery.

Prayer. Ongoing.

Play and rest.

What a muppet.

Leo

2011-05-30T08:34:00.000-05:00

I am a puppy mama! (Q. Am I crazy? A. Yes, apparently.) He is not as big as he looks because he has so much hair. He's a sweetie. He's calm, yet playful.

I slept on the hard floor beside his crate last night because he would have it no other way. My bed never looked so good. And I wish I could put a diaper on him. Other than that, we're good!

a choice

2011-05-16T21:02:00.004-05:00

Though the fig tree should not blossom

And there be no fruit on the vines

Though the yield of the olive should fail

And the fields produce no food,

Though the flock should be cut off from the fold

And there be no cattle in the stalls,

Yet I will exult in the Lord,

I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.

-Habakkuk 3:17-18, NASB

Though my friend's newborn daughter may not live through the night,

though my friends have lost their jobs,

though my friend has lost her mother,

though my workload has increased because of budget cuts,

though the parents I work for are threatening and negative,

though life is not as I expected it would be,

still you are sovereign, O God.

I rejoice and weep in relief because you have revealed that you are working in answer to some prayers I have prayed for over a decade.

Therefore, I know you are working even in these other dark pathways.

You have illuminated enough of the way before me so that I can confidently continue to put my faith in You.

You are real.

Thank you, Lord.

when you lose something you can't replace

2011-05-15T20:37:00.000-05:00

I prayed to the Lord and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles. For the angel of the Lord is a guard; he surrounds and defends all who fear him. Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh the joys of those who take refuge in him!
Psalm 34:4-8

2011-05-10T19:57:00.000-05:00

In a stressful situation you will not fall to your greatest potential, but rather to your highest level of training.
-applicable not only to the Navy SEALs, but also perhaps other arenas

It's Cinco de Mayo.

2011-05-05T16:58:00.001-05:00

and i have a ton of grading to do.

but i'm going out to celebrate my

mexican heritage at jose pepper's anyway.

One score ago

2011-04-26T19:47:00.000-05:00

Twenty years ago was the Andover tornado. It ripped through the town, killing 13 people in a trailer park after it hit McConnell AFB and skipped on over taking the wing of the building where I now teach.

One of my colleagues told me today that his family had just moved to Andover in Fall 1990 and was living in the trailer park that was taken down. Fortunately, he packed his family up and went to Augusta beforehand, where his business partner lived, to get out of the way of the storm. His family lost virtually everything in that tornado.

I remember this storm clearly. I was eleven. We lived about fifteen or twenty miles northeast of Andover. We took cover that evening.

Tornadoes are freakish. That slow rotation way up in the top of the cloud gives me shivers.

I know I've posted about it before.

NOW I'm famous.

2011-04-14T17:45:00.001-05:00

One of the young people I know told Clare Vanderpool that she is almost as pretty as her teacher (that would be me). Clare Vanderpool asked her how pretty her teacher is and she said, "As pretty as diamonds."

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

ha. I'm still laughing.

[This is the same one who wrote me a note last week that said, "You are the best teacher in the world. ... Everyone likes you. Who doesn't?"]

Oh, if only you could see the irony of who relayed this story to me. If only I could say certain things on the internet. But I cannot. Let's just say it is satisfying considering how disrespectful some people have been this year. Yeah. Let's just stick to that. Still, it does not give you the GRAND IRONY of the scope of that comment.

ha!

(tear.)

can't get the stink out. it's been hanging 'round for days.

2011-04-12T21:35:00.003-05:00

tonight, after some dark times lately, i was pushed (forced, really) to recognize the positive. i got to share about one of my students at an optimist award banquet. her parents, grandparents and her fourth grade teacher were also there. everyone was so proud of her, their buttons were popping. including mine. but especially her grandpa's.

it was so wonderful. refreshing.

thank you, jesus.

Old (& Pasty) Man Winter: On Dormancy

2011-03-24T11:20:00.002-05:00

It is only when I get past the months most dim that I suddenly realize what a day of light is. Like an addict hesitates to come out of destruction and into health, I sort of don't want daylight to take over the better part of the Earth's rotation cycle again.

Huh?

Yeah, backwards though it is, there is a part of me that prefers to live in utter paralysis over vitality. Because, e'en though I was dreading the inevitable cave of darkness that is winter before I was thrust into it, I've sort of come to feed on the darkness, using it to hide all sorts of things. And those things now must come out and be shaken, and confronted again. I had a sort of self-given permission to leave them unattended before. Now I no longer have permission to ignore what I must confront in the light of day.

How disconcerting and backward it is to realize that the very thing I dreaded to live through became the backdrop to which I fed like a sickly gremlin on unhealthy thinking. I didn't look at my pasty soul in the mirror all those months and now I must look at it again and confront it before everyone else sees it for what it truly is.

After long months in the winter darkness, working my fingers to the bone, I feel demoralized. Enough to wonder if I can really believe that daylight will last. That it will stick around long enough for it to be worth it to work back into a healthy format again.

That one corner of the soul.

Lord, please shine your balmy daylight in my picked-over bones.

my love for grover is now cemented.

2011-03-20T09:00:00.000-05:00

And even better:

part two down; one more to go

2011-03-10T20:57:00.002-06:00

Today was part two of the state reading assessment. We've been preparing for months. All my little variables are working hard... at least they better be. It is impossible to describe the pressure that I feel to make my students to perform well. It is NOTHING like taking the Iowa Test of Basic Skills or the California Achievement Test/ Terra Nova of old, in which teachers and parents just pull out a cumulative file and look at the numbers to reference progress or build a case for testing for special services, pop it back in the file and promptly forget about the numbers. Nope. There is fear and ownership built into this test. And the fear and ownership rests on the administrators, who put it on the teachers, who put it on the students.

Romans 8 is what we've covered in small group this week... making the point that God is "for" us, so in favor of community, we need to be "for" each other. So the verses I most want to hold onto out of this chapter are:

5 For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. 6 For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, 7 because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so. (NAS)

When I'm at work, I have the most difficult time remembering that the Spirit is inside me and that I can be filled so I can live out of that. My prayer now is, I want the things of the Spirit.

time to use that groupon!

2011-03-08T17:14:00.000-06:00

past time.

one of my co-workers had pity on me today and offered to work on a knot in the back of my neck that has been building for months. it's state test week and she does not work at a tested grade level, so i think she was trying to make restitution for the fact that i AM teaching at a tested grade level. anyway, she said something about the knot being the "size of a softball"... ? ... ! ... yeah i think i already knew that, but hearing someone else say it out loud made me cringe.

so i'm getting on the schtick and scheduling the massage i bought last month. now. right now.

do you ever use groupon? this is my first time. what is your experience?

I love Diane Ravitch

2011-03-04T21:28:00.001-06:00

The Daily Show - Diane Ravitch
Tags: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

And here she is on an NPR spot from the end of February.

And here is her now-facebook-famous CNN.com article.

I've finally found a measured voice who is speaking for us.

This is what I say to myself when I look in the mirror every morning.

2011-02-25T22:33:00.001-06:00

It may be heavily edited and coached, but that sounds like my voice.
Females have this need to do something special.

Cure us of winter.

2011-02-21T20:16:00.003-06:00

Watch Cello MJ style. Brings a smile.

I had a quiet, but lovely recovery weekend. I did my homework and now I'm semi- prepared and ready to go to my 7:15 meetings tomorrow before teaching for the day. I was in my head a lot, which I definitely needed time for. There was a comely soundtrack going during most of the time I wasn't with people. Here are some highlights.

1. Grace Potter & the Nocturnals. Did you hear me? GRACE POTTER & THE NOCTURNALS. Apparently she is finally getting the talk she has deserved for a very long time. I have loved her since Nothing But The Water-- 2005, maybe? Possibly 2006. But this weekend I bought a physical CD- self-titled. Because I still like the actual album, not just the digital copy. and popped it in my car. and it is everything I have ever loved about her and the Nocturnes. Beautiful.

2. The Boxer Rebellion. Evacuate. The Gospel of Goro Adachi. No Harm. If You Run. Spitting Fire.

3. The Avett Brothers. Incomplete and Insecure. I and Love and You.

4. Cake. Oh, Cake. One of the frank soundtracks of my youth is phrased over into being one of the frank soundtracks of my adulthood. Cake, you pretend to be just as jaded now as they were then. It's a state of generation; it's who we are. It seems like everyone within four years before us and within two years after us saw the world with the same apathetic distaste, but with the outer idea that it is game-playing we are really up to. (I don't hold to that view anymore; life is here.) Cake and us fit into that timeframe... when our emergence was defined by ska and the waning years of the Clinton Era. You can't argue with Cake. Sick of You. Federal Funding.

5. Arcade Fire. Deep Blue. Month of May. The Suburbs.

6. Mumford & Sons. Timshel. Awake My Soul.

7. The Black Keys. Reminiscent of Jimi Hendrix in some ways. Sinister Kid. Howlin' for You.

TMI?

2011-02-18T13:26:00.004-06:00

Yeah, we were all talking about this at the beginning of the week. My take is this woman should not have been so explicit on her blog, although some of the questions that emerge about teachers being called to a higher standard than most other professions, first amendment rights, and just plain venting in the private-forum-that-becomes-public are all good questions to engage as we have this conversation amongst ourselves. What people on the outside may know in theory but don't know in practice is that teachers have a very tight line to walk in the public square. They are to be an example of the ultimate citizen that any student (of any creed, race, or political-social bent) would want to emulate, yet the parents and students often make no attempt to rise to the same level they hold teachers to. It's like the parents and students just want someone righteous to watch, but not become. So when a teacher disappoints them or does something questionable, such as express opinionated personal frustration over their double standard, it makes headlines and becomes a national conversation... and the teacher's head is on the chopping block.

That teacher should have been more judicious about where she chose to air her frustrations, which are very legitimate and real.

I am recovering from the work-related emotional stress of this past week/ month. I think the frustrations that I do not feel are appropriate to vent online speak to the reason why my blog posts have been less and less frequent. You can be sure that when this blog is silent, it is usually because work stress and/or personal stress is great.

But Happy Friday to you!

snow day(s)

2011-02-02T16:05:00.003-06:00

Hi. Happy Groundhog Day.
No makeup on.
I did shower.

There are so many books I want to finish.
Spark
Moon Over Manifest- the newest Newberry Medalist is from my neck of the woods
Renovation of the Heart

This morning, one of the pipes froze. I turned off the water. Now I have to go to the bathroom.
The garage door would not close. Then it finally did around noon.

People still rage in Egypt. They are fighting with Molotov cocktails.

I pulled out the happiest color I could today: orange. It is all around my living room now.

run and tell that

2011-01-22T11:37:00.000-06:00

Amy showed me this video this morning. I needed a morning laugh.

And here's one just because it's sweet.

Waste no more time.

2011-01-08T14:04:00.001-06:00

You have not lived until you have made and consumed Smitten Kitchen's lemon ricotta pancakes with sauteed apples, or until you have shared them with a friend on a January Saturday morning brunch. Don't be expecting anything by way of Bisquick when I say the word pancakes. Nosiree, these pancakes have only a half cup of flour... and stiffened egg whites with ricotta.

I am a breakfast lover. There is nothing so great as having dessert first thing of the day. This almost rivals my favorite breakfast food memory ever-- crepes topped with creme brulee and berries at Wheatfield's in Omaha (sorry Delice). This recipe even bumped out my second place favorite breakfast food memory of ricotta berry pancakes at Amato's in Omaha to third place.

More work than any other pancake I've ever made, but this recipe is very special.

New Year's Wedding

2011-01-02T21:41:00.000-06:00

Our friend, Amy, got married last night. No pictures of her and Paul here. But here are a few of us sitting at the table at the reception.

April, Natalie, and Jerry

My dear friend and mentor, Sarah. I will miss her. She is moving soon.

My friend, Stephanie. She is my Leader in Training for the small group we are leading. I have learned so much from her.

An Incomprehensive Review of 2010: Smatterings

2011-01-01T14:26:00.001-06:00

Professional Experience I Had:
1. I learned how to train a teacher how to teach, while still advocating for my students.
2. I am finally learning how to be more direct-while-politically-correct with the parents of students I serve. I'm sure I will have plenty more practice time with that in 2011.
3. I gained more students than I've ever had on my roster at one time.

Music I Loved:
1. The XX- XX
2. Muse- The Resistance
3. Florence and the Machine- Lungs
4. Mumford & Sons- Sigh No More
5. Lovedrug- Everything Starts Where It Ends
6. Delta Spirit- History From Below
7. Vampire Weekend- Contra

Public Figures I Loved To Hate:
1. Kanye West
2. Sarah Palin

Prayers I Prayed:
1. God, please surround and protect my home.
2. God, please provide for these long-requested needs... (three things I've been praying about for 8-12 years).
3. Please speak instead of me. Don't let me be in the way.
4. (pleadingly) Give me a vision for something else.

Priorities I Made:
I purposed in my heart that when opportunities came up to gain financially or professionally, I would choose to invest in community and relationships instead. Out of that came significant new commitments:
1. mentoring Hope and
2. leading a small group of women when our group multiplied in September.

Books I Read:
1. Addiction and Grace
2. The Hiding Place
3. Boundaries
4. The Twilight Series
5. The Death and Life of the Great American School System
6. The Brain That Changes Itself
7. Guns, Germs, and Steel

Recipes I Loved:
1. Herbed Summer Squash and Potato Torte- Smitten Kitchen
2. Frosting- Whatever
3. Frozen Peppermint Cheesecake- allrecipes
4. Lavosh- allrecipes
5. Hot Chicken Salad- my friend, Robin
6. Hoisin Glazed Chicken Wraps- epicurious
7. Chicken Cordon Bleu- allrecipes

I pray we all seek and receive God's peace and direction this year.
Happy New Year to you!

Necessity is the mother of fixing things.

2010-12-28T22:48:00.000-06:00

I replaced my toilet kit!

It needed to be done for the past year, probably. The whole thing was rusting out.

I finally got myself revved up to follow directions and use tools and I did it!

(I am not mechanically-minded.)

On the Eve of Christmas Eve

2010-12-23T12:55:00.002-06:00

What good is winter except for snow?

I have been waiting for weeks for her to bloom. Right after Thanksgiving, I spied her buds and each day I smile at her to give her a nudge to open up.

This morning, I walked into the living room to open the shades and this one had finally started to open. What glory!

Last night, a roommate mulled some wine and we began to watch Eat, Pray, Love up until the point where Elizabeth Gilbert left her husband for no good reason. We briefly discussed how neither of us have much patience for existential narcissism. And then we popped it out and watched Salt instead. It was heroine night.

I have been enjoying this time spending extended time with God staying up late reading sleeping a little later than usual lingering a little longer with friends over meals and coffee cooking, baking heading to the gym working in the yard cleaning things out.

It is good to have this amount of time to break from the routine of my normal work.

But, all the while, I am remembering those around me, near and far, who are struggling or coming against some questions this season. Know that I'm praying for you and that you are close to my heart.

I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas.

Beggars Can't Be Choosers

2010-12-18T11:05:00.001-06:00

Nevertheless I'm still going to write this.
Let this be a reference; a rule of thumb, if you will.

What NOT to get a teacher:

apple-type thingys. Seriously, when did apples become the perennial symbol of education? It is totally appropriate in fall, when apples are in season. But today's teachers are not the teachers you remember from when you were in school. They don't want another apple ornament.
homemade food. Spare the trash can from eating up all your effort in the kitchen. The teacher will not likely eat anything you bake for her unless she knows you personally. I think the reasons are obvious.
Something the teacher can use for the classroom. If you want the gift to be for the teacher, do not make it work-related. The teacher spends hundreds of dollars of her own money every year on your child, so give her a gift for herself. Seriously, do you give your OB-GYN a gift to use at work? NO! So don't do that to the teacher.

Other than that, teachers are not going to complain. We do get tired of the multiple coffee mugs and off-brand bath gels and body lotions we receive every year... but that is your choice.

What to give a teacher:

movie tickets
coffee shop giftcard
a giftcard to a bookstore

And the NUMBER ONE gift to give a teacher??? (heeeeeere it is....)
1. a sincere thank you note from the parent and the student.

Teachers get a lot of negative feedback and very little positive. They are burning both ends of the candle to get work done every night. And they are up early the next morning. All so your child can have an education. And, unlike other professions where it might be okay to roll in to work tired or grumpy or having the excuse of "I'm just not a morning person," the teacher is expected to be cheerful, nurturing, and fair to all that come in her classroom each day, regardless of how they treat her.

You never know; she may have been chewed out yesterday by another parent of a student in the classroom for something that has nothing to do with her responsibilities. It is easy for even the most optimistic teacher to feel despondent about her job after only receiving negative feedback, giving of herself day-in and day-out, and getting not even a small thanks in return.

You may not like everything about the teacher.

You may not feel your child is getting quality one-on-one time with the teacher.

And you may not agree with all the district, school, or classroom policies.

But one thing remains true, regardless of how you feel. Your child's teacher is working hard for your child. And by proxy, for you.

To tend to the teacher's spirit is to, in turn, take care of your child. Because, after all, your child's teacher is spending all day five days a week with your child.

A thank you note is free! It just takes time, thought, and appreciation.

blessed

2010-12-04T22:09:00.003-06:00

had a wonderful night with two old, but current friends. one made it back home from another continent recently, so that called for getting together. these ladies have been my friends for so long. we fall back into comfortable, stimulating conversations every time we see each other. another culture, children, careers, marriages, and just life do not get in the way of us whenever we get together. i am grateful to have such friends. the older i get, the more i realize how beautiful it is because it is so rare.

but sometimes i feel numb. like i am just floating through life. going through the motions. nothing really excites me, nothing seems monumental anymore. is this just a by-product of an accumulation of years? or is it something i need to work away from?

life is such a mixed bag. while at the time of such joy, one can also feel wholly altogether something else. if that makes sense.

Mele Kalikimaka

2010-12-01T17:52:00.001-06:00

In a desperate attempt to end the day on a good "note" in my classroom today, I allowed two young minds lead a hula congo line to Mele Kalikimaka.

I was smiling. Which my students needed.

A very, very, merry, merry Christmas to yoooooou!

the heart swells

2010-11-24T12:40:00.001-06:00

It is such a good thing to have a holiday for thankfulness. What a focus.

I am thankful for so many things. As I make my list, I keep wanting to writing in exceptions, but I am stopping myself. (ie, I am thankful for my job, but.... or I am thankful for my family, but....) I am working on being thankful for all I have without exception.

So in that vein,
I say
I am most thankful for God's way of speaking into my life by putting me in a luxuriously long season of growth, showing me there is still growth to be had in my life, and loving me in spite of my doubts that I can grow.

He has put me in an exceptional spiritual community.

I marvel at all the steps he has taken me through to bring me here.

I am utterly grateful.

and a busy sunday

2010-11-21T20:15:00.001-06:00

I loved today!

Today was church. Always so nourishing and good.

Then I took Hope to see Radio City's Rockettes performance. I cried during the nativity part.

While I was there, I saw my cousin, Amberley, and her two beautiful daughters. I thought Amberley was still living in Illinois... apparently not. So I invited her over to my house for ho-cho after the Rockettes.

Then I met my friend, Stephanie, to wrap up a book discussion we've been going through the last couple of months.

Short week coming! Can I get all my grading done before Tuesday night? It remains to be seen.

a quiet saturday

2010-11-20T22:57:00.000-06:00

Lately, I've been thinking about guarding my mind from the cacophony of media in all its many forms.

I spent most of the day in silence. It was beautiful.

Really, it was needed. I figure I need one of those days at least once every two weeks.

I woke up, cooked, and thought (and totally ignored all my professional obligations... oh well, there is always Monday...). It's what I've been doing a lot of lately- cooking and thinking. Today I made apple walnut pancakes while listening. Last night, I made coconut curried chicken while listening. All in silence so I could pay attention to what is going on inside. I am working on listening to the Spirit inside me because I feel like there is a lot being spoken there. I will say, it takes a lot of effort and discipline, even in complete silence, to fully engage the Spirit. It takes a time of listening, and then response. On days when I decide to do this, I find myself putting off response until late in the day, and by then, I am ready to move on. Sometimes, I short-circuit what is being said in my soul as a result.

Today I read this:
When you deal with the externals, what you are really doing is driving your soul farther outward from your spirit. The more your spirit is focused on these outward things, the farther it is removed from its center and from its resting place! The result of this type of self-denial is the opposite of what you sought. Unfortunately this is what always happens to a believer when his life is lived out on the surface. (Spiritual Mentoring, Anderson & Reese)

What a strong warning! But I have known that to be true in my innermost being since college. The problem is, how is it possible to not deal with the externals? What a balance we are called to fulfill. I realize that not every season allows for such lengths of time in contemplation.

Ode to J

2010-11-18T21:05:00.004-06:00

Let me just say i am so grateful for my co-worker, J. Last summer, when we found out that our teacher numbers were shrinking from three to two, but with the same enrollment numbers, we banded together. Band-of-sisters-style. We decided that we would work hard in the face of adversity, in the face of an already insurmountable job, and kick that state test's butt next spring.

We work together all the time... when we're not stuck in our rooms alone with our thirty fifth graders apiece.

Our early mornings are filled with staff meetings, IEPs, student improvement plans, checking in on what we need to have ready for a productive day with our students, and stopping on the way to work to get the other some coffee to leave on the desk.

Our days are filled with intense reading, language arts and math skills, social studies and science. Our morning planning times are filled with academics, copy orders, managing parent and teacher volunteers, discussing how to solve and fix problems with students and parents, dealing with the demands of our aerospace instruction grant from the DoD.

We run emails by each other before we hit send.

We read notes that we get from parents to each other to get the other's input.

Our evenings are filled with grading, extra work on our grant, conferences, attending our students' concerts, and texting to remind each other about something the next day. Our evenings are also filled with watching out for each other when we know the other will have a difficult parent coming to the classroom... so we can check in with a code word and bail each other out if need be.

Where would I be this year without J?

I am grateful that I have such a good co-worker, but also a good friend to work with.

She's got my back. What a comfort. I'm lucky.

vision and purpose

2010-11-14T21:46:00.002-06:00

I've been ruminating, toiling, and tossing over here for quite some time about my direction. Not fully satisfied with staying in my current capacity, at least not without having an answer for why I'm here and a plan for where I'm going next, I have come to look at my day-to-day activities as bleak and exasperating. And let me tell you, that is an exhausting way to carry out life.

This is what I know about God. He is not so concerned with what I do, but with how dependent I am on him as I do it. So, he brought this season on me so I would beg and plead with him to show me direction, give me passion for my purpose. And that is what I am doing.

I cannot say I've had a breakthrough. But I can say that in the everyday difficulties, he has continually reminded me that the next thing is all I can do... what is before me in this moment is to wake up and teach, plan, grade, communicate (the four basic tenets of an educator's job, although, there is always much more thrown in to that mix). And what is before me is to prepare my heart and study for small group every week-- that welcome and needed anchor in my life. Among other things. But there are glimpses of a vision for the purpose of all this right now. And, oh what a difference vision and clarity makes! Suddenly, I am more passionate about what I am doing right now. Tastes are more acute. I pay attention to details in even the menial tasks (grading).

I have run the gamut of thoughts toward my professional and personal future. It is very sweet when God gives me a momentary glimpse of the purpose I am serving. It can clarify the importance of what is happening now. It brings the wind back to my sails; it creates the stamina for moving on.

If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, acts like a duck... it's a duck.

2010-10-24T22:17:00.008-05:00

This is who I used to work for.

Back online with a dilemma

2010-10-19T18:38:00.002-05:00

Hi.
I'm back.
New computer is light, airy, and ... updated!
It actually has a working optical drive!
And a functioning airport!
And other stuff... like Numbers. Looking forward to using that.

Concern.
I am concerned about the lack of sustainability our economy is facing. We are a nation of consumers only. There is no way that we can continue this disparity toward production indefinitely. What's the solution? Perhaps we've gotta get off our butts and treadmills and start doing some manual labor.

Could it be true that we are over-educated? (Nooooo.) Our problem is, the more education we receive, the more we feel we can demand. Which means we don't want to do menial manual labor. Actually, I think we are under-educated. (Work with the general public and you'll realize that some people might never be over-educated.) But what does that mean for us? I'm not an economist here.

What do we do?

Help!

The environment

2010-10-12T18:07:00.000-05:00

I mean, an ice cream cone is the most environmentally conscious meal you can have. No trash. No dishes to wash.
Save our landfills, clean water supply, and no soap needed.

I find this to be true.

2010-10-12T06:29:00.001-05:00

That answers to some of the most frustrating and common problems are simple. I feel redundant when people are asking me for advice because my answers are so common, so repeated. But I see them blink at me when I dispense my solicited wisdom, if that's what you want to call it, and move on. Over half of them probably go home and don't carry through... then continue to wonder where the magic bullet is.
It is in the seemingly inconsequential acts that we change the course of our lives.
K.I.S.S.
Now if only I would take my own advice. ;)

Lament for the old iBook g4

2010-10-11T22:27:00.000-05:00

My sweet little guy bit the dust. It was a slow death but in the end it was the loss of the airport that was the final toll of the bell.
So this is goodbye. And thank you to my buddy. I spent time with you nearly every day the past four and a half years. You made the move with me from Nebraska to Kansas. You got me through grad school, you led me to the virtues of iTunes, and witnessed me using my first
digital camera. I promise to recycle you instead of relegating you to a sad, miserable corner in a closet somewhere in this house.

It takes an entire weekend

2010-10-09T10:37:00.000-05:00

to take the edge off.

I woke up this morning...

2010-10-04T16:52:00.000-05:00

and bounced out of bed, after having a restorative weekend. I thought, " Ya know... I really need some more drama in my life."

Then I went to work.

And there was plenty of new drama for me to clean up and deal with!

Yay! I got my wish!

Boundaries: some things to balance

2010-10-03T20:47:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about boundaries again lately. It comes up in a significant way about every four years. This time, I'm actually reading the book by Cloud and Townsend. I meant to read it long before now. I love the child psych sections. My reality is, just when I think I have reasonably healthy boundaries, I have some challenges... more opportunities come up and I have to decide what I am saying yes and no to.

One helpful piece of advice I got from a mentor about ten years ago was to consider that when I say yes to something, I am saying no to everything else I will not be able to do (including other opportunities or obligations, or even tending to myself).

Another transforming thought from Cloud and Townsend: "an internal no nullifies an external yes (110)." Holy cow! How often am I saying yes on the outside, but squirming with discomfort on the inside?

So as I am faced with new, and even good, opportunities this week.... and they are expecting my answer, I am trying to use some of these thoughts to help as I make judgment calls about my already-full plate.

two thoughts

2010-09-21T18:31:00.001-05:00

1. i can't keep up.

with grading.

with my insane pull-out schedule.

with getting them to everything on their schedule while still squeezing in some teaching.

2. 29 is crowded.

3. Oprah can go suck an egg.

oops. guess that's three.

bye bye!

the state fair

2010-09-19T20:04:00.000-05:00

Hope and I drove to Hutchinson for the State Fair yesterday. We saw dogs, horses, cows, llamas, sheep, elpacas, a butter sculpture, and a 771 pound pumpkin. We ate pronto pups and root beer floats. We rode Ye Old Mill, the Ring of Fire, the Whitewater ride, the Sky Ride, and she got on the bungee trampoline. She was out like a light on the way home!

"Forgetting is the friend of learning"

2010-09-13T20:16:00.000-05:00

This is a valuable article about how the brain works, reworks, and retains information. Thanks to my mom for finding it.

playlist

2010-09-11T22:24:00.002-05:00

I needed something new to listen to, so in a desperate attempt to find work out music, this is what I ended up downloading.

Rise Today- Alter Bridge
Boom Boom Pow- The Black Eyed Peas
Crash Years- The New Pornographers
Whataya Want From Me- Adam Lambert
Machinehead- Bush
Comedown- Bush
The Distance- Cake
Around the World- Red Hot Chili Peppers
Otherside- Red Hot
Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)- The Offspring
I'm Amazed- My Morning Jacket

It's a disjointed mix, I know. Clearly I need some help. I've been struggling to find something energizing the last few months. Any suggestions?

Labor

2010-09-06T11:01:00.005-05:00

Labor is a privilege. That I have the ability to work, flexing my physical and mental muscles for a fair wage is satisfying reward. Most days, we complain about poor working conditions (ie, long hours, overburdened by extra duties), always striving to make our jobs more equitable, more protected. But, as a working woman, I am grateful to be in the workforce today rather than several decades ago. A lot of this is attributed to the voice labor unions have in our country. I don't always agree with all that labor unions stand and fight for, but I am grateful for the way they have protected and created better working conditions for everyone (whether or not they are due-paying union members) and the chance to negotiate a fair wage.

I did not always pay dues or have voting rights in my professional organization. At the beginning of my career, I did not join in. But as time went on, I saw the need for having a voice and having the protection and power of belonging to a group.

Unless you have ever worked for a large group, you will not understand the necessity of having a unified voice against those who are higher than you. (That's right you heard me. I am saying that not all labor unions are evil! :) ) In a litigious society, it is paramount. For that reason, I willingly pay my dues to my professional union. It is an opportunity that only comes in an organized civilization. I still believe in the freedom of the independent worker, but also see the value in the power of a group that works together.

That said, a group takes a lot of organization to form, but the benefit is the power of unification against those who lord their higher rank over you. However, the downside is that once a group gets going, it is difficult to dissuade the things that an individual does not want from taking over. Like the government, a labor union (especially the larger it gets) is a huge, heavy tanker. It takes a lot of time and work to steer it on a course, but once it gets going, it is indomitable. But if it is steered on the wrong path, it takes a lot of time and work to discern a new course and then turn it in the correct direction. By that time, it may be too late... the path of destruction may have taken its toll. This is why I am for smaller working groups. Because then the union can not get so big that the tanker cuts such a destructive swath.

Some things to consider and balance.

Pesto for pasta

2010-09-04T13:15:00.001-05:00

The basil plant was nurtured all summer for this very moment.

Childhood=>Adulthood

2010-08-30T21:57:00.000-05:00

I finally figured out why adults age. No one ever told us that being an adult means working for something you don't believe in to preserve some of the things you do believe in. And all the while, fighting it for a better world for children, protecting them from your realities.

Then again, maybe someone did tell me that. Not with words, but with example.

It's a good thing my hope is in things eternal.

collage of life

2010-08-25T19:44:00.002-05:00

We are multiplying. We had our last group last week and soon we will be two instead of one. I am sad to let go of the ones I will no longer be with.

I cannot speak highly enough of this group of women. They have been so important to me. We have grown in the Lord together. Every Thursday night for the last few years. We've seen each other through highs, lows, and all the in-between. School, work, marriage, singleness, stillness, growth.

Amy D. Sarah G. April. Briana. Sarah H. Amy L. Erin. Stephanie. Natalie.

People must think

2010-08-20T19:53:00.000-05:00

... that working with children is a vacation every day because children are inherently sweet.
... that thirty is no problem because teachers are trained to handle groups of needs at once.
... that it is a simple matter to uphold rules because it is school after all.
... that a teacher can give whole group instruction, see individual needs, and listen to each student read one-at-a-time for five minutes each during the first week of school, then transition easily back to whole group instruction with ease because somewhere in there she already established rules, routines, procedures, and the fear of God in the students.
... that class size is just a political catch phrase.
... that a teacher will unfaultingly see everything from a child's point of view and advocate for their collective childhood,
while at the same time making the legislators and school administrators happy because their charted data is on a steady incline and their boxes are all checked after I assessed, recorded and siphoned all the data during my evening while watching an endearing episode of "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader."
... that a teacher wears a pencil skirt, has perfect posture, and possesses a permanently fixed serene smile.

Today, while I was in a moldy-smelling classroom in a different wing of the building because my classroom's air conditioning was not working on a 98 degree day, all thirty of us crowded around three rectangular tables for an hour and worked independently while I dutifully listened to a few students read to me for a miscue analysis. This is no small feat the first week of school. As the natives got increasingly restless, I let go... I started to stare off in their general direction. They stole cautious glances at me for a little bit to see what was wrong with me. I stopped thinking about being the chiseler of every behavior, every motive for a few minutes. I just thought about how I was feeling. A very rare moment. They thought they were in trouble because I was so quiet. Then I calmly walked into the hallway to take care of a problem with a student and the paraprofessional who had walked in earlier to laminate some things in the room, walked out and pointed out to me that they were getting loud and did I hear them? I passively said, "uh-huh" as she walked away and proceeded to explain the severity of the problem to the student in front of me. Then I walked back in and we moved on from there.

If I gave you a play-by-play of my days, you'd realize that I was letting go. I have decided that I am going to have to let go this year. Because I cannot do everything. There will likely be some emails unanswered, some forms not filled out, student needs not met, boxes not checked, and data charts not on an incline this year. I think when someone gives me something new to do, I will waver between bitter laughter, passiveness, and the old will to fight.

I want to quit.

manners

2010-08-17T18:16:00.000-05:00

I am working really hard at establishing the tone of the year. It takes every ounce of energy I don't think I have to do this.

I am trying to teach them to not talk when I am talking. It is a simple concept. Five of them don't get it though. The other twenty-four seem to. Five is a lot. They sure take up a lot of airspace.

After reminding one young person about it six plus times yesterday and eight plus times today, my niceness wore off. She had tears of frustration with me at the end of the day today. I told her I was equally (perhaps moreso!) frustrated. I told her she needed to start connecting the dots and stop the talking.

If I get a nasty-gram or an angry phone call tomorrow morning, so be it. Bring it.

it's time.

2010-08-15T20:25:00.000-05:00

tomorrow i embark on a new round of training. new relationships with students and their families. tonight, i feel like i don't have the energy to summon what this will require. (where is my well? i need to start digging.) yet, i know that when i wake up tomorrow morning, i will find the energy to do what i have to do. and energy for some enthusiasm.

to teach is to stand upon a stage. i am performing all day. i am diplomatic, choosing my words, expressions, body language carefully. i am called upon to be judicious. i am supposed to inspire. ignite something.

where's my match?

lord, give me the ability to love other people.

premonition

2010-08-09T11:13:00.003-05:00

Today is the last day. Of summer.
So I slept in until 9:00. I think I've probably done that one other time this summer. I like early summer mornings, so I've been getting up early. My alarm went off at 5:00, but I went back to sleep... and that's when I had my dream. It seems like whenever I sleep in after an early morning alarm, I sleep much harder.

I had a dream that, on my first day with students, they had not been trained to sit in their seats and listen. They kept wandering around the room, walking over to the window to look outside. They were generally disrespectful... and I even had a repeater that I didn't want from one of my colleague's classes from last year. But even more horrific, I didn't have my copies made; I wasn't prepared, so I didn't have my plan in place to start off on the right foot. I kept looking through my file cabinet for materials that I thought were in there, but I couldn't find in a pinch. It was a bad feeling.

Therefore, I'm going in to work today before I have to report tomorrow, so I can make my copy orders.

Nothing, NOTHING can replace preparation!

mom

2010-08-07T11:26:00.000-05:00

because my mother incubated me for nine months, i am here today, thirty-one years later.
my mom makes the name mom beautiful.
she lets you be who you are.
no strings attached.

grateful

2010-08-06T21:00:00.000-05:00

today, i am grateful...
-for a phone call from michelle today. it was delightful to talk with her a little. i even got to talk briefly with her daughter, emily. :)
-that i have a job. i don't take it for granted.
-for my family. i acknowledge that my heritage of godly parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, etc. is no small thing. though i often think about the gaps in generational views, i know that my forefathers and foremothers have brought me to this place. i am thankful for their wisdom and the way they sought God in daily life.
-that i got to go to breakfast with my dear friend amy yesterday.
-for my church and my small group.
-for friends and family who make sure i'm not alone on my birthday.
-for air conditioning.
-for a renewed understanding of grace. the biggest lesson is how Christ extended grace to me... and so i am also learning to extend grace to myself when i sin. it is not permissiveness, but it is the kind of grace that allows myself to not believe the lies and encourages myself to get back up again. my goal is to make my "down time" a lot shorter.
-for the lamp my mom gave me. it is beside my bed.
-for all the fruits and vegetables in season right now.
-for sunny days.

I'm slightly manic right now.

2010-08-05T13:33:00.001-05:00

Keep that in mind.

So I wanted to update my computer (a four year old iBook G4... which, in human years, means it is 80 years old) to OS X 10.5.8. I didn't think it should be a big deal. After all, I keep up on my updates every month or so... and I do have OS X. Apparently my computer missed something... like the first five version updates of OS X. And I have to have OS X 10.5 to get OS X 10.5.8. I tried to get OS X 10.5, but couldn't find it ANYWHERE on the Mac update site.

Heck, I have no idea. I just want to turn on my computer and have it work. That's what a Mac is all about, right? I mean, I know I am not the most efficient computer user, but I just barrel right through that. I can't be the only one, am I? Am I? I figure it takes a part time job to keep up with all the updates anyway. And I don't have the desire nor the time to devote to that. To me, technology is a tool to enhance my life, not rule it. I know I am really just an ignoramous.

So I went to Best Buy, thinking maybe it was something I was going to need to buy and install. (I know you can see it coming.) I should have known. Actually, I must say that I did know. I had many misgivings about walking in there. Yet walk in, I did. I figured maybe I could just look and see what they had for OS X Leopard and if it would be possible to buy it even though it is a little outdated... just so I could update to what I really need. Silly me. I was immediately accosted by a sales person. It was fine at first, but then the "Real Mac Expert" came behind him about a minute into my explanation and inquiry and interrupted the two of us and asked if he could help me. I started over. Fast forward... I didn't get any useful information out of him. I told him that it wasn't helpful. He told me, "You could just get another Mac." Ooooooo. That was it. I said, "OR I could bypass spending the $3-grand and just get OS X Leopard." And I headed right out the front door.

Ok, ok. I know I was a little belligerent. (I'm a little off today. :)) I probably should not have walked in to Best Buy just to look. I should have known that I would be assailed with helpful sales people right away. But that just cemented in my mind the very reason why I didn't want to go in there in the first place. Because instead of helping me find a solution, he tried to assuage my pocketbook of the most money possible. And that, folks, is the very thing that loses my business. I'll tell ya, when a business model is helpful and not practicing thieving tom-foolery-- when a business is trying to help me find an honest solution-- that is the business I will go back to in six months and drop the money on a new computer. I will become loyal because they treated me with upfront respect.

When will I get a local Apple Store?

In the mean time, I am still trying to find a solution to the OS X 10.5 problem.

**Update: I am completely ignorant. That's why they have "Mac Experts" at Haddock Computer Center. So much better than Best Buy. At least I get a straight answer. Still not what I wanted to hear though... I might have to get another computer now. My little iBook is phasing out; it doesn't even take any version higher than 10.5. Did you know that? I didn't.

that's just cute

2010-07-30T22:23:00.002-05:00

"I am not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."
-Michael, The Office

in the mix

2010-07-29T08:11:00.000-05:00

hope and me -- on the day we (tried) to make ice cream

Work got a little crazy this week-- big upsets in the way we are used to operating. It translated as minor stress as I look ahead and adjust for the coming year. Had to move a teacher to another building (she was just glad to keep a job-- as we all are) due to enrollment numbers, meaning greater class sizes for those of us who remain. It'll all shake out, though, right? I am just staring down many more hours of work per week this year, statistically speaking. deep breath

Right now, I'm nursing a sore mouth. Had a little visit to the oral surgeon yesterday. I think it should heal quickly though. No worries.

I'm learning some things about grace this past month. I don't pretend to understand even a little of what it means, but I am grasping a couple of concepts. That will be another post-- I'm in the middle of working on it.

Guess I need to try to eat a little breakfast so I can go to the gym so I can get to work today. I'm on that idealistic upswing right now... it's July still. :)

J's 30th

2010-07-24T13:38:00.004-05:00

(a blurry picture of) some of us at the pumphouse. no one wants to touch my camera.

my co-worker J

Talking 'bout my generation

2010-07-23T15:14:00.006-05:00

My peers and I are now at the age where we are contributing the most to the GDP. We are, and will be for the next decade or two, at the peak of our professional contribution. We are carrying the Boomers into old age and bowing out of any last bastion of hope that Social Security will be there for us as we pay into it, simultaneously watching our parents live longer. (good for them!) And we are now at the age where we can look on our formative and coming-of-age years and analyze. What happened to us?

The way I see it, my most formative coming-of-age experience was Nine-eleven. I hadn't voted in the '00 election because I hadn't gotten off my tush to get an out of state absentee ballot in time. My fiance at the time railed me for it. I think it was the deal breaker. Later, Nine-eleven happened. It was horrible, as you remember. Everything that day was eery. It was a bright, beautiful day. I woke up at the Mott's house to the sound of Thad leaving a message from work for Teresa, who was still sleeping, on the answering machine to turn on the television and see the news. That was around 7:45 CST. I turned it on when I heard the message, then went upstairs to wake Teresa and tell her to come and watch with me. At first, it appeared to be a possible accident. But then, in real time, we saw the second plane hit the other tower. And it was clear it was no accident. I was in a daze for the rest of the day. As were all of you. The skies were eerily quiet. The high rise buildings were cleared. Malls were closed. Every public place was secured. I took a break from the tv coverage to go and get my college yearbook picture taken. I remember dropping by Delice, talking to Darby at the entrance, and discussing how strangely horrific the day was shaping up to be. News then came of the Pentagon and the plane that nose-dived into the Pennsylvania field. No one knew how much more would happen. Everyone wanted to locate and check in with loved ones, even if there was no known chance that they were anywhere near the Eastern seaboard. There was a sense of very real and present danger. It was palpable. Then the towers, one after the other, collapsed, on the screen right before our eyes. This sealed the horrific tenor of the day.

The thing is, this all occurred in the context of the end of my college career. During college, I experienced a community that was outwardly Protestant. We were seeking God in our chapel services and in our community life on campus. But there was an undercurrent of apathy, disconnectedness, and fatalism. I saw it run deep in the friends I kept starting my freshman year, four years earlier. Friends were struggling with addictions, rebellion, misdemeanors. The soundtrack to all this was the grunge and alternative rock, ska, and indie punk. It affected us. It was true to our lives -- or we were true to it, whichever begot whichever.

Nine-eleven thrust me (our generation) into interest and concern in the world scene. My interest and concern were coupled with starting a career in public service, and realizing the implications of decisions made by the previous and present administrations at the federal and state levels, and how they impact a large segment of the United States. Suddenly such concerns became acute to me (our generation). Yes, in the days and months after Nine-eleven, there was a huge surge of nationalism and unity: us against them. Whoever "they" were (it was ambiguous then, and in many ways, still is). But what had been planted was already in the soil of our hearts and it was already taking root. We had already tapped in to this well of disconnectedness, and fatalism. And even after the whole surge of national unification faded, we began to argue about how to fight back. Such differing opinions arose! And the administration at the time did not convey enough of a gallant, confident forwardness and made some mistakes that led to their loss of credibility. Boy, that brought out the fear and the misgivings pretty quickly. What had earlier been an us against them mentality suddenly turned. It led to a general distrust in each other. Which is where we began, at least in our hearts, in the first place.

In some ways, I see that in our generation still. Especially the disconnectedness and fatalism. The disconnectedness is ironic in many ways, because we have become the most "connected" generation to date. But how much do I pay for a cell phone per month?.... and I hate talking on the phone! And I'd say a lot of us are that way .... we'd rather text -- or ignore the ways we are connected. The disconnectedness is not only revealed in our communication avenues, but in our attitudes toward each other. I look at generations before us, especially our grandparents' generation, and they stay connected to people from their youth. And fatalism. The fatalism is a fog over us... there is a lack of vision and a general distrust of others. Right now, it is perpetuated by a bad economy, joblessness, media. Entire people groups subscribe to fatalism. I think it's becoming a defining characteristic of our generation.

What are some other ways we are defining ourselves as a generation? What will we be remembered for -- in terms of who we are? And how is it affecting our community life in the church? The script is still being written, but it is taking shape. The characters, the setting are already in place.

and four

2010-07-09T22:14:00.009-05:00

four years ago this morning, after the hardest night of my life, i woke up with relief. relief that my prayers were answered and his pain was over. relief from the retching holding pattern we had found ourselves in during those last weeks and months. i also woke up with a sense of horrid irreversibility. finality. never again would i hold his hand, hear him yell at dan rather on the cbs evening news, or see his eyes smile at me when he tried to make me apologize and admit that i loved him when we had a tiff.

i was empty handed, except for a lifetime of memories. that's all. it turns out memories are not exactly something you can hold on to. they evolve over time with emotion. the sounds, the colors, the shapes fray at the edges. when you lose someone you love, there can be an overwhelming desperation to make that person immortal through memory. so it was a time of deeply cleaving to people who knew him... i remember it was surprising and even disarming to hear the way his friends remembered him; we hadn't known him in that context -- the context of friendship. so the stories his friends told sounded more like a distant cousin to the man we had called the head of our home. but the stories, how people let him live on in their memories, were good to hear.

when he first left us, i used to feel gipped that he hadn't left me a note or something of symbolic significance specifically designated for me to carry around to remember him by. instead, all he left me with were memories. and the indelible print that someone who parents you leaves on your soul. yes, soul. now i'm over the idea. it would have been too much for him to undertake one last act that would hold such emotional significance. it is difficult for people who know their approaching mortality to participate in emotional decisions for others. that's what a nurse told us at the time.

so where are we at? for weeks now, i've been thinking about this day. sort of preparing myself so that when the day actually came, i wouldn't have to engage it too much. and that's exactly what i did today. sure i thought about it. but at the end of the day, i found out that no one in my family had recognized the day... and some of us need that. ok, i think we are kidding ourselves if we don't say: all of us really need that. acknowledgment. the thing that is most painful at this stage is that we all are fathoms apart in the way we are processing and grieving.

still grieving?, you ask. yeah, still. i suppose always.

2010-06-28T21:09:00.001-05:00

Light griefs are loquacious,
but the great are dumb.

-Seneca-

Mend

2010-06-19T10:51:00.004-05:00

My mind is stitching itself up. Pulling in all the strewn, loose pieces and binding them back together.
Thank God for the depths of Summer.

Here is a sad story.

My mom got a ten week old Maltese. His name is Gulliver. He is fearless and knows no stranger. He is the sweetest puppy.

But my mom had an allergic reaction to him so she returned him to the breeder.

So sad for us. In less than two weeks, he was already a part of the family.

Last Friday, I went to see The Merry Wives of Windsor performed by the local Shakespeare group. My friend April is acting as Mistress Quickly.

This week, I went to San Antonio/Austin/Waco to see my friends Shilo and Kristin. The three of us started teaching together at Wake Robin the same year... we also went through grad school together. I love them. I already miss them.

Today, I get to sing with three friends for Briana and Dan's wedding. I love singing with them. And I am so happy for Briana and Dan.

Eva's Elvis Celebration (his 75th)

2010-06-05T17:25:00.000-05:00

as all successful new ventures do, this one starts with cake.

2010-06-03T08:50:00.001-05:00

about a year ago, as soon as school was out, i started the process of applying to be a mentor through youth horizons. a whole year has passed since i first applied, interviewed, and trained for this, but i finally met my protege last friday. meet hope. i will be meeting with her once a week for the next year. at least that is the initial compact we signed together.

this week, for our first meeting, we celebrated our new relationship by making a rainbow cake. five layers. we had limited success with keeping the layers together. but, after tasting, hope gave it her stamp of approval.

i have a feeling she is going to teach me... probably much more than i will teach her.

band beginner

2010-05-22T09:28:00.010-05:00

"Miss Wiebe, guess what I taught myself on the clarinet last night?"
"hmm," I replied, nonplussed.
"The White Stripes. Seven Nation Army!" he told me, exuberant.
My laughter started deep inside, as I kept my lips together, then rolled out to a loud chuckle as our hands met in the air.

Harris Burdick

2010-05-18T22:13:00.000-05:00

Speaking of children's authors... here is another one I love. There is an element of surprise and/or imagination in every one of this works. My students have been working on a narrative to solve the mystery of the disappearance of Harris Burdick. If you've never read it, check it out from your local library.

I love this time of year... when I can take more liberty to teach the way I want. It's more inspiring than following the curriculum guide. There are still benchmark boxes to fill, but I am doing it my way in April and May. Hey, that rhymes.

the forest through the trees

2010-05-16T22:06:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I am so close to someone that I can't see all their strengths. Sometimes I so intimately know someone that I don't take the time to appreciate where they have grown, where they display heart, and I might even miss the big picture of their life.

What a travesty.

I want to get better at recognizing these things in the people I'm closest to.

Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout

2010-05-13T18:03:00.001-05:00

This week, I listened to my students give poetry speeches. To introduce the idea of expression, I read Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout by Shel Silverstein using little expression. Then I played this for them. They loved it. In fact, they kept begging me all week to play it for them- at least once a day. Of course, I indulged them. When I played it for them again today, I realized that they practically had it memorized after hearing it only four times.

Hoorah for children's poetry!

so much past (inside my present)

2010-05-10T18:25:00.003-05:00

today, i looked down. i realized i was wearing sandals i bought for a dumb college banquet in march 2000. hello, that was over ten years ago!

also today, a pupil of mine told me her parents were born in 1978 and 1979. hello, that's when i was born! i've had this same conversation a few times in the past couple of years with my students... but it's just slightly weird to me.

and while i'm posting, i'm listening to this. this was fifteen years ago.

how does time flow so fast? i'm sure people who are ten years younger than me right now think that my thoughts about time are out of culturally relevant bounds. little do they know what i know now: that i understand context so much more now than ever. bring it.

what's the story (morning glory)?

the best is yet to come

2010-05-09T18:44:00.003-05:00

1 Corinthians 2:9

No eye has seen

no ear has heard

no mind has conceived

what God has prepared for those

who love him.

God whispers to me

even as I follow other pursuits

that a taste of him

is even more

satisfying

and it is possible that it is also

sustainable.

Sustainable love. Sustainable passion.

How does that happen?

I think I know that it doesn't just happen.

It takes creativity in pursuit.

What else?

Any thoughts?

whatever your hand finds to do

2010-04-25T21:00:00.006-05:00

I am raring to go to work tomorrow. Because I am a teacher. And I love it.

What? you say. All I ever hear you talk about is how hard it is. You're right. I hope I also tell you how important I think it is. The passion it evokes in me.

This weekend, career direction has come up in a few conversations. AND when I went to church this morning, my pastor even talked about it. Work.

First off, let me just level the playing field and say it. All jobs can be hard. It seems like, whenever I get on facebook and read the news feed, a lot (read: not all) of stay at home moms (I seem to be friends with several... which speaks to my age and gender) make a paragraph laundry list in the status box of what they have to do today. Or, at the end of the day, what they accomplished. If that is for their own benefit (sometimes it helps to work things out on paper... sort of like the purpose this blog takes for me... whether or not anyone is reading, I still like to put it out there), then amen. So be it. More power to ya. But if that is to legitimize the occupation, it seems to me there might be more effective avenues of justifying it. But I don't believe it is needed. I mean, just the fact that they have time to log on to facebook and write that paragraph or list in the status box, DE-legitimizes the work, it can be argued. It's like by making the list, it is making a case for See? I work! I work hard! My life is hard! And I just want to tell them Rest. Stop telling us how much you are toiling. Let the work speak for itself. The rest of us agree that your work is legitimate; it is valuable.

And second, let me reiterate what Pastor Terry said this morning. All (legit) jobs are good. It's true. Each job is a calling. Even the work of quitting my job and dealing with cancer (that is the most challenging thought in the world to me). If that's what God has made a way for me to do, then that is my calling, and my calling is a part of His story.

I've been in prayer about several things this weekend. And work is one of them. I will always struggle with the boiling pot that is public education. I finally just admitted that to myself. But I still love educating. It is satisfying. And I've learned some tricks. And it's made me stronger. I am weighing all the factors. But I think I may need to find another place to do what I love. Until then, I am under contract to show up tomorrow morning. And I'm looking forward to it.

Thursday Nights

2010-04-22T21:23:00.005-05:00

Every Thursday evening, a group of about eleven ladies comes over to my house. They park on the street and up my driveway and then they come in. They bypass my living room and we gather in the Clue Kitchen. We talk, eat, and drink. And, if the occasion arises, we fill up the Birthday Box for some "unsuspecting" Birthday Girl. Then we go to the living room and gather around. This is where one of the most vital hours of my week starts.

We share. Discuss. Sometimes there is a long, introspective pause that ensues upon the group. Silence. We think. There are tears of frustration, tears of honesty. We listen to something difficult, some great admission of struggle or an account of a humble victory. We are real. Honest. The tone is not free-flow, but inward ponderance. Reflection and discernment.

We love each other.

I do not always relish the time. I always have to prepare myself for an inward look at what God is constructing and destructing in me... and how I am responding to it. But I do look forward to seeing each woman because each one is a work of Christ's grace. And each one is a dear friend.

I need this time.

It is a good thing we meet at my home because if I was ever tempted to forego the brutal honesty, I couldn't.

Then again, I wouldn't want to.

unmitigated and uncensored

2010-04-19T21:02:00.005-05:00

My cuticle, which hung on since last Monday when I bled and bruised it trying to put my cultivator together, just peeled off.

There was a second case of lice in my classroom today. The first was last Friday.

This is my last week of no grading. Sure has been nice. Though I am ready to have my plan times back to myself. My student teacher is wrapping up her full-time teaching this week. Next week will be her last week in my classroom. She has done a good job. You can do a lot with a teachable spirit.

I met with my friend, Erin, tonight. We are accountability partners. I love meeting with her. Our conversations are not like other "accountability" conversations I've had in the past. I used to think that meeting for accountability was about like sitting in the dental hygienist's chair every six months hearing the speech about the virtues-- nay, the necessities-- of flossing daily. At least that's how my mentoring and accountability sessions felt in the past. That was probably my fault. Erin and I just delve in and talk about our views of the world around. And how to deal with our most fundamental desire... to be immersed in a meaningful relationship with our Creator. And then we self-debate on if we realize that is our fundamental desire or not. She just turned 23. But she does not seem that much younger than me.

Really, I am so grateful to be a part of a church that has taken a stand to repel the human tendency to run itself into the ground with programs. It's engine is small groups. I am thankful that, two and a half years ago, I ran into my dear friend Amy. And she invited me into her small group. I am blessed beyond belief to have several women to walk through life with.

God is tugging at me. I know he is asking me to talk with him. About the trajectory of my life. About ways of being useful. About my longings. About comfort and safety. About developing my heart for certain people in my life... learning how to really love them. About healthy boundaries.

Every once in a while, my temporal lobe will kick my frontal lobe to the curb and it will seem unfathomable to me that my father is gone. gone. As in, I will never see him again. Or hear his voice. Sometimes, it still makes me feel a little displaced. What do I do with that?

I have a lot to do in my front yard. I am at the point where I need to choose stone for the walk I will put down. I shopped around a little, but I need to make a final decision. My robin friends are still there. Every day. I have a couple of pictures of them somewhere.

skillz

2010-04-17T22:01:00.003-05:00

I'm gonna work on my listening ear and writing critique skills. Because if this whole educating-the-public thing doesn't work out, I wanna be the chic who writes critiques on albums for iTunes. Those write-ups are always cheeky and they bemuse me greatly.

two more

2010-04-15T21:35:00.003-05:00

two mentalities:

1) when my heart feels like it is being choked by wallowing in a bad attitude, plus my inability to get with God

2) when i realize that i already possess freedom and i don't have to live in a strangle-hold

monday post

2010-04-12T18:48:00.005-05:00

lowe's and home depot have it going on with their overhead music. (they are getting a lot of my money these days. i have visited those stores a combined total of five times in the past three days.)

i have two mentalities: 1) when i spend all day operating my classroom 2) when i emerge and see the world beyond those four walls.

speaking of which... my student teacher is now in her full-time teaching block. that's right, folks, i've worked myself out of a job. well, not really, because i am still keeping tabs on her. it is honestly still a lot of work to be out of the classroom. (not as much work... but...) i have to make sure that everything still gets done, but now i have a "middle woman" to go through to make sure it does. sometimes, i think, it would be so much easier to do everything myself. which is the opposite of training a student teacher. so i have to keep my perspective. just three more weeks. then i will have one full month to myself. it has been a wild ride of a semester, let me tell ya.

i made two robin friends this weekend. they love to perch on the newly turned earth i'm working on in the front yard. they yank and snatch grubs, then swallow. we talk.

sometimes...

2010-04-09T17:48:00.001-05:00

it's better to just sit back and listen.

a discussion about the weather

2010-03-31T21:21:00.006-05:00

something shifted today.

it became ominous spring.

i like spring. :: the robins, the new growth, the warm winds.

but it also creeps me out.

april is the month of school shooters, tornadoes, and other cataclysmic catastrophes (man-made and naturally occurring).

i know that sounds depressing.

and i'm definitely not hoping for those things.

but there was definitely something in the air today.

storms are brewing.

i had to work fourteen hours today. and will tomorrow, too.

and one of my co-workers went home and found her husband dead.

my sympathy and prayers go to her and her family.

and i am uneasy.

Nervous System

2010-03-28T18:29:00.002-05:00

Everything feels extreme.

My skin is sensitive to every sensation- touch, temperature.

My nervous system says I'm on input overload.

That's all.